I need to be strong because my husband needs my support. I have tried to be that strength and support he needs but I am just not sure I can accomplish this anymore.
My head hurts from crying so hard and even now it seems almost impossible to stop my tears from shedding. I take a deep breath and type onward…my heart hurts so bad because I am emotionally stressed and physically drained by the end of every day.
The scriptures tell us: “To mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” I need those things and I am just not finding it. I feel selfish because I want support but also guilty because I feel like there are others who need it more than I. I know that the Lord has helped me carry this burden; if He had not been there I know I would have given up a long time ago.
Today, I wanted to pack my bag and leave. This is not the first time. Many times I have wanted to leave the stress of being a mother behind me. I quickly change my mind and feel guilty about the thought. However, what made today different was I still want to leave. I do NOT have feelings of guilt. I feel eerily calm about leaving—almost like I would be doing my children a favor.
Mothering, I must admit, does not come easily to me. I envy the woman who, with seeming ease, balances motherhood, wifedom, and voluntary commitments.
I know my husband will read this and feel guilty but I do not want him to be so… making him feel guilty about going to school to get a good job so he can support us financially is NOT what I mean by this. And some people say: “Suck it up, hon. I can do it, you can too!) I am not you, things that are easy for you may be hard for me or vice versa…OR “you only have a year and a half left”…OR “I am sorry you are feeling that way…it’ll get better.” I have heard these things I KNOW these things...it does not make it easier for me.
The kid’s teeth are brushed and they are in bed. The chaos is gone and yet I still feel the desire to go forever. I was secretly hoping that my sister-in-law would get a job here so that I would have more familial support. She did not get the job and so my heart still yearns for someone. Can anybody find me, somebody to comfort me?
10 comments:
I want to call you, but I don't have your phone number. I know that you don't like to talk on the phone, but I think it might help. Could you tell me your number?
-Rayna
Thank you for expressing your feelings. I'm sure it is very difficult for you to express how you are feeling and I'm sure you have been holding it in for awhile.
Do you have any local friends that you can talk with that can help you? Is the bishop or RS Pres aware of how you feel?
We want to help you. Give Rayna a call.....I know you don't like phones, but Rayna loves them and she really good to talk to. She helps me when I'm down. Hang in there, things will get better, they really will.
Jeff
Hey Sonya!
Sending lots of love and warm thoughts your way!! Hope your day gets better! If ya feel like chatting: 419-352-4837 or e-mail: laura@happy2scrap.com
~Laura Hodgkins
I wish I were there... we would have a scrapbook day and let the kids go crazy together! Miss ya, love ya. You are not alone. We all struggle with things; we are all different in what we need. YOU are an amazing mother. YOU are a wonderful wife. I know these things because I know YOU. No mother should ever feel guilty for needing a break... we all need them at some point in time. Hugs to you! Feel free to come to Idaho anytime. ;-)
I sent you an extended message on facebook. I love you sonya and wish that my visit to you is sooner rather than later.
Being a full-time mom is one of the hardest, most under-appreciated jobs there is. Hang in there, and think of the people you know. Is there someone who can share play dates? (Thresa Hughes maybe? Or someone who lives nearby?)
Take a vacation alone. Being a mother is wonderful, but it is still a job. 24 hours 7 days a week w/o any downtime, sick leave or vacation. It's responsibility all the time. When does Forrest have spring break? Come up to Ohio and just chill for a couple days. I've had days where I think my boys would be better if I got a job and let someone else take care of them. And any mom who acts like it's easy and they can handle everything like it's no problem is really good actress. Tell Forrest to search for jobs in Ohio. We'll be happy to have you back!
A recent Mormon Stories podcast was about the challenges of mothering. It had some good ideas that might help.... You can listen to it at
http://mormonstories.org/?p=868
I hope things have gotten better for ya over the last few days. Honestly if you are that overwhelmed then you need to get out and have a girls night. Rachel is at the movies right now and she went out twice last week. She deserves it and so do you. Get out have a little fun with anyone in your ward. You never know. And if forrest gives you a hard time then tell him to spend some time and type me for once. I love you guys and know what your going thru. Rae and I have been married almost 9 years and for 7 yrs she went to bed alone imagine life like that. I am now on days and hope life will be better for the both of us and the kids. Just remember they didn't invent ME time for nothing....
I LOVE YOU SONYA!!!
Here is what keeps me sane. (take it for what it's worth):
first - I saw on Dr. Phil a year or so ago, that a woman was wanting to pack up and leave. He did a survey of the audience who else felt the same way, almost every hand went up in the air. Motherhood is hard, I don't know of one person that would say it's easy. It's TRYING!
1. you need to spoil yourself at times. Go buy a new shirt or get a manicure or buy a book. Whatever floats your boat. I know what you're thinking, we don't have the money! We're in the same boat with graduate school. It's a killer on finance and you don't want to add to the pile of numbers. But, you need to take care of yourself and feel good about yourself and then it'll be a little easier taking care of others.
2. Do you have babysitting swap? We do one every Friday night. Rotate with a couple friends and take turns so you can get away. I know Marc and I have done dates at bookstores and just went around writing books that we'd look up at the library.
3. I just heard this. Full-time mothers are worth (of 2-3 kids) $120,000/year. Think of all the time you put into your kids, the taxi service, the teacher, the cook, the ref. So think of your worth as you're raising your little ones.
If you ever want to vent you're MORE than welcome to call me. I have venting moments, and at times it's all you need is for someone to listen.
LOVE YA SONYA!!!
Post a Comment